Entering 2023, I find myself in an unenviable position with regards to my fan fiction, and how I feel about it.
For me, writing exists on something of a spectrum. Why I write falls in between two extremes. I write for my readers, and I write for myself. Sometimes I’ll write largely for my readers, and sometimes I will write largely for myself. But over the past year, as time has passed and I have approached my fan fiction again and again, I find myself asking the same question: who am I writing this for?
Several of my ideas are for dying, dead, or even stillborn fandoms, meaning that there is not much of an audience to write for. For the most part, this no longer bothers me as much as it used to. And, in truth, if I cared enough about what I was writing about, then it would be worth it. Gone Home has a tiny fandom and even now, five years later, a mere 90 people have reached the end of the story. However, it was completely worth writing. Novelizing Gone Home is one of my favorite writing experiences.
Earlier this year I made the assertion that I still cared about my fan fiction ideas, it was just that I was depressed, thus making it seem like I no longer cared about them. This is still likely the truth, but as time has continued to pass, I’ve had to face the reality that not only am I busy with my life and with my job, but I am extremely burned out on, well, everything. But especially writing.
When I finally started writing Bishop’s Lament and took a shot on StarCraft - Survival, I felt really good about those stories in the beginning. But then I hit the wall that I always hit, the one where I get tired of writing them, and where, unless really specific and, frankly, esoteric and unpredictable conditions arise, updating them becomes a godforsaken chore.
So where does that actually leave us?
I’m not sure, admittedly. Practically speaking, I think it leaves us with: I am going to step back for awhile, and update when I can. So, essentially, what I’ve been doing, just more honestly.
The thing is, I still care about my work, and about the people who want to read it.
So this takes us to the question of: So what am I actually going to do going forward, in a broader sense?
From where I’m standing now, this is what I want.
I view my internal creative landscape like islands in a sea. As time passes, islands rise and islands fall. Some of them are persistent, remaining no matter what. These islands are fairly large, and revisiting them, I discover there’s a lot left to find in most cases. Some of these islands are smaller, but there’s still something there worth finding. Some of these islands only appear stable, but as soon as I set foot on them and begin investigating, they crumble into nothing beneath me.
For me, there are five big, solid islands that are here even still today: Halo, Doom, KOTOR, Half-Life, and StarFox. All other islands are of questionable stability. Some, like Quake 4 and Red Faction, still look very stable, but I won’t know until I actually start writing. I may find that there just isn’t enough there to sustain them.
Here’s what I have to say specifically about them, and how I want to approach things from now on.
I still wish to finish The DOOM Chronicles in its entirety. That has both an audience and I still give a shit about it. We’re good there.
I want to finish Half-Life out. While I originally envisioned a larger, longer series, exploring Bishop’s Lament again has made me realize that not only is there not nearly as much of an audience for it as I originally thought there might be, but my own personal interest has dwindled considerably. As it stands, I want to finish out Bishop’s Lament, write stories covering the events of Episodes 1 & 2, and then write one final story to cap the series off. I have what I believe to be a good ending in mind.
My main goal for KOTOR is to write KOTOR III - Heroes of the Old Republic. And There Was Another was a bit of a surprise. I am flip-flopping on whether or not I want to write the sequels to it. Honestly, they aren’t incredibly important to my KOTOR III idea. Ultimately, we shall see.
StarFox. I no longer know how this will manifest. I’ve had several ideas come and go. I know I’ve got to write something but I just don’t know what.
And, finally, Halo. This is the big one. However I approach Halo, I know that it will be a monumental undertaking. Given my failure last time, I’m reluctant to try again soon. I know that it’s going to require a lot of planning and work. Personally, I’d like to clear a few things off the table first. I’d like to wrap up Half-Life and KOTOR, and make some more progress on DOOM, before even attempting Halo.
Also, StarCraft - Survival, given I started it. I’ve run into trouble with it recently, as evidenced by the lack of updates. I still have several ideas for it, but my faith is faltering. I will try to keep it going. This is precisely why I am reluctant to start new ideas at random.
What about the rest?
I was recently thinking to myself: Why do I write fan fiction? Yes, I believe in the journey, but I also believe in the destination. Or, if not the ultimate destination, which is always death, then larger destinations. Where am I going with these plans I have been making for years and years now? The answer, I know, is that I want to be caught up. I would like to finally finish out all of my old ideas, so that when new ideas come to me, I can examine them without hesitation, because I have a responsibility to the older ideas.
Someday, I would like to have everything finished, and then get a fresh new idea, and jump onto it.
Admittedly, given the scope of my Halo project alone, I’m not sure how long it will take me to get there and I believe that, for a long time at least, I will ultimately have to settle for eventually only having my Halo universe be ongoing, and then working on something new on the side.
And so there we are. For now, I’m stepping back to focus on my life, and I’ll update when I can.
It’s a miserable place to be, in regards to how I feel about my fan fiction. I wish that I felt better, and that my brain was less broken. I still have hope that my life will get better, and that I will manage to be healthier overall. But that time is not now.